Falling into Faith

Sometimes it's just plain hard to believe this. For real. 

To trust that God not only has all the pieces but that He has the picture on the box. 

He knows what the grand and beautiful masterpiece looks like, and He is placing every piece...even the hard, hurting ones...and you and I can trust He knows not just THAT it fits, but HOW and WHY it fits. 

And that is enough. 

I am learning to live like I know this and believe it. It's not easy...but I am FAITHING it even when I don't FEEL it. Part of our family mission statement declares "God is always at work to bring about His purposes." 

This...THIS is what I want to live and not just say. And leave a legacy as one who walked it out even when it was a stumbling, ugly hot mess. 

That's my prayer for you, too. Not as one who has arrived, but as one who is ONE the journey. 

#faithoverfear 

#SimpleTruth

No More Pack Mule

By myself at a random table in a Starbucks post dropping off my kids at school. 

That statement in itself is weird. 

Me? By myself? Weird. 

Kids at school? Weird. 

Me at Starbucks? Ok...that's pretty normal.

But I feel way out of my skin eating breakfast and drinking a fancy flat white- instead of my plain old coffee- and no one across from me at the table. 

I don't quite know what to do with all this- the here and the not here. 

I am caught thinking about all I want to do and then, all I don't want to stop doing. 

And then the Spirit whispers deep: 

In order to pick something up, you have to lay something down. 

You cannot carry all the things. 

When my kids were small, my father in law always called me a pack mule. Why? Because every time he saw me, I was carrying all the things. 

From a kid to diaper bags to Batman to trash. Times 3. 

I carried it all. 

Carry all the things. 

But that can't last forever. 

Kids grow, bags shrink, Batman gets lost, and well...they still give me their trash. 

But the truth is, we can only carry certain loads in life for a season.

And then it's time to set one thing down to pick another up. 

Better still? 

We set the good things down to pick the God things up. 

The load we have been used to carrying becomes too familiar. We tell someone wanting to help, "No don't grab anything! I've got it balanced. If you take one thing it will all come tumbling down." 

And maybe there are parts of what you're carrying that God wants you to keep. 

But maybe what's in my hands isn't meant for me to carry? 

Maybe someone else is standing there empty handed because I am carrying the good thing that's supposed to be their God thing. 

I am not meant to carry all the things. 

I am meant to carry my God things. 

Because that load is light. 

It may not be easy, but it is in proportion to the strength He has released for me to carry it. 

So I am sitting here, letting go and laying down what isn't mine to carry. Not knowing what it all looks like to pick up what He has put in front of me. 

But...

I know it's a God sized load that I was designed to carry. 

There are a lot of good things that I will have to lay down. 

But the God things can't be left behind. 

And you have to lay something down to pick something up. 

I won't be grabbing all the things, but I will be holding His things...and that is a load I can bear. 

“Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”

Matthew 11:28-30 NLT

#SimpleTruth 

#First5App

Perfect Peace in my Pieces

I was scrambling in my living room to have my time with the Lord, while my mind was scrambling a thousand other places, a thousand miles an hour. 

I was thinking about everything ahead in this coming season...all I knew and didn't even know-  and it had me in a dead panic in my mind. 

And then, before I even sat down to get in the Word, the Holy Spirit brought this verse up in my spirit:

“You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you!”

Isaiah 26:3 NLT

Perfect peace. Not some version of peace- but perfect.

Perfect is defined as: "having all the required or desirable elements, qualities, or characteristics; as good as it is possible to be. Absolute. Complete."

In other words, it is exactly what we need when we need it. 

Perfect peace.

Calm. 

From the inside out. 

It's learning to trust IN Him, rather than trusting things around and about Him.

 

Where you trust FROM determines the kind of peace you live IN. 

As we trust in Him, He secures us with the unwavering assurance that abundant life is His promise(John 10:10); therefore every battle we are facing is to bring about that very purpose.

He is the anchor for my thoughts in the raging sea of worry, doubt, and condemnation in my mind. When I fix my eyes on Him, I am no longer dizzied by the whirlwind of the world. I am locked into His gaze and I see what He sees, I can know what He knows: that every bit of it is for my good because He is Good. He is a good Father, giving me every good and perfect gift. 

(James 1:17, Romans 8:28)

Maybe not always the ones I want...but it's always the ones that I need. 

I have to live my life with open eyes and open hands:

Eyes open, fixed on Him.

Hands open, filled by Him. 

I have to stop looking in every direction hoping to see some answer for my questions- because HE IS THE ANSWER. 

I have to stop reaching in every direction to grab what feels and fills like I want it, when I want it- because HE IS MY PROVIDER. 

When I scurry around and try to piece together peace in my life, it only results in stress, failure, frustration, anger.

I am playing a game I will never win.  

It's time for me to stop worrying about the win and start focusing on the One.

What are you fixed on today? 

Believe me- I know it is hard to see past all that is screaming for your attention. 

But only One focal point will bring perfect peace. 

He doesn't promise to remove whatever is raging in your life, but He promises to love, grow, and be with you through it. 

That is perfect peace. 

#SimpleTruth 

“Now may the Lord of peace himself give you his peace at all times and in every situation. The Lord be with you all.”

2 Thessalonians 3:16 NLT

Knowing The Way

The unknown can be paralyzing. 

Feet turn to lead.

Mind fills with fear.

Heart beats out of chest.

And worry comes running to be my friend. 

I have to walk forward. Because stopping isn't an option when I have a way to go, a journey to walk. 

But sometimes? I just want to know the way. The whole way.

I want to see the Maps version of His plan pop up on my smart phone so I can see it all in a picture or in enumerated steps or even 3D satellite view. 

I want to know the way. 

But then, I remember that Jesus promised to be a "lamp unto my feet, a light into my path". A lamp at my feet assures I can see just enough to keep walking and not stumble and fall. A light on my path shows me the way right in front of me, not miles down the road. 

Jesus shows me His way in my here and in my now. When I lock my gaze on Him, He doesn't just show me the way- He IS my Way...no matter the ease or difficulty of the path beneath my feet. 

While I am concerned with knowing a way, Jesus draws me to Himself so I can know THE Way. 

We all have a way we are wondering about and wandering around. 

Let's stop our worry and let go of fear. 

Trust The Way for His way on your way. 

You may not know it all, but you know Him- and I promise that is enough. 

That's may prayer for us today. 

~Julie 

#SimpleTruth 

@first5App 

The Leaving: Hope for a Mama's Heart

It's an unspoken mommy truth: one day they will leave.

This baby in your arms that you have waited on, prayed for, dreamed of, will one day drive away into their own dreams.

And so we push that truth down and blink away tears and keep that little unspoken dammed up behind our mommy wall so we can live the day.

Not because we wish it away or believe we can delay it, but simply because the thought of living without your heart seems paralyzingly impossible.

When they seek you out for a hug, advice, snuggles, quality time...the unspoken flashes before you, and you linger in that moment to help stand on your feet in the soon to come.

But how did we even get here? How are these little feet even walking, running, driving, going out into this big world without us holding those stubby little fingers in ours?

How did time sneak up on us?

No one tells you in those endless, sleepless nights of vomit and nightmares that it is inching closer. 

No one tells you in the sibling squabbles and slamming doors that it's closing in on the horizon.

When we wish any of it away, we move past the very moments that unite us in the days beyond the leaving. 

Every ache, every tear, every fight, every stumble are opportunities for roots to dig deeper, so they can fly higher.

Every laugh, every accolade, every face to face moment, every I love you, wire us for a lifetime of connection that distance cannot undo.

So yes, our hearts will ache with love and pride that swell as they stand up in who they are, this grown up human they are destined to be. 

And yes, that unspoken truth behind that wall in the depths of our mama hearts may even burst and result in a massive flood of tears and emotion.

But it isn't because we haven't known it was coming- it's because we didn't see how quickly it was approaching. 

Mommies know their babies will leave.

But we breathe deep because our babies know the truth we have been imprinting on their hearts every moment before this leaving one: they can always come back. 

Your baby may walk out of your door, they can never walk out of your heart.

Release the leaving and hold onto that mommy truth. 

#SimpleTruth 

When You Are GIVE.SLAP.OUT.

I hear the voice screaming:

"Give in! Give up!"

Why? Because I'm 

GIVE.SLAP.OUT.

Who's been there? Who is there? I know we all need to raise our hands on this one. 

From endless demands, to overloaded schedules, to impossible requirements...and the list goes on. 

We want to stop the crazy but we don't know how. We want to escape the hard because we have failed to bring the change we want to see. 

But you and I? 

We have a choice. 

Just because that voice is screaming, it doesn't mean its message is TRUTH. 

You and I? 

We can choose to stand up under that lie...that temptation to RUN FOR THE EVER LOVIN' HILLS. 

Because JESUS...He's been there. 

And JESUS? 

He's got a trade for you: 
Your heavy burden for His fullness of Joy- right smack dab in the middle of whatever crazy you're in. 

He wants to carry that weight. 

He has been tempted and has walked through it perfectly...so you don't have to crumble trying to.

Don't give in my friend. 

Don't give up.

GIVE IT OVER to God. 

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” 

Matthew 11:28-30

"This High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses, for he faced all of the same testings we do, yet he did not sin. So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most." 

Hebrews 4:15-16

Thirty-eight Special

"Noted for its accuracy and manageable recoil, the .38 Special remains the most popular revolver cartridge in the world more than a century after its introduction. It is used for target shooting, formal target competition, personal defense, and for hunting small game."- Wikipedia 

It doesn't feel old, really.
Thirty-eight feels like this inconspicuous birthday year that hovers between the culture exacerbated "mid-thirties confidence" and "forty over-the-hill irrelevance". 

Thirty-eight looks a bit like marking time when I glance its way.

A place holder of a year until the infamous ones show up.

A year in jeopardy of being stuck in what it was and paralyzed because of where it is headed.

And that is why 38 is so crucial.

Thirty-eight is special.

Thirty-eight has footprints and fingerprints that God intends to use just like 19, 25, and 32.

They're all good friends, you see- these years of my life.

They work together so seamlessly. Flowing one into the other, never overstepping each other's territory. I'm the one who tries to pit them against each other- comparing them, condemning some, praising others.

Yet here I am, just having barely aquatinted myself with this new year, so tempted to slap it with my preconceived ideas rather than embrace the character and potential that 38 brings as the clock strikes midnight. 

And just like that, 38 opens the door of opportunity and tiptoes in, inviting me to come along. 

But I get to choose: guilt or grace.

Guilt perpetuates the lies of insecurities and postponement.

Grace is what propels me through the uncertainty and into Christ's power and freedom.

Yes, thirty-eight is special.
I can see 26 and 35 are cheering her on and I see 40 waiting patiently, pregnant with her own potential.

And so, I am welcoming 38 in, and taking her by the hand and trusting where this year will lead me because it is a gift sculpted and designed by my Father.

I've got my thirty-eight special. My eyes are on the target. And we mean business.

Tweet This:

The #SimpleTruth is I choose #Grace over guilt. #eyesonthetarget 

Facing My Ugly

Life sometimes feels like a blender.

You take all these good, recognizable, individual ingredients, cram them into this container and hit the switch.

What you end up with is usually looks pretty disgusting. 

The kind of thing that evokes the question, “You’re gonna drink that?!?”. 

Yeah, life can be like that sometimes.

My life feels like that now.

My response? 

White knuckle grip something! Nail it all down! Whatever it takes to keep it all in place- yeah, do that!

I realize I need to let go.

Let go of the things I long to control, but cannot. 

But realizing I need to let go leads me to an even more uncomfortable place:

staring in the face of why I want to hold on. 

And it’s ugly.

Kind of like if you were to google spider bite images or boils or goiters or something. 

That kind of ugly.

The ugly you wish you’d never seen.

The ugly you wish you could scrub out of your mind’s eye.

But I’ve seen it now…this ugly that’s in my soul.

And so I must face it.

But unlike those horrific images that haunt behind closed eyes, looking full on at the ugly in our own soul doesn’t have to leave us scarred and scared.

When we see the worst part of ourselves magnified under the lens of the Holy Spirit, it is to bring us forgiveness and freedom.

Forgiveness for attitudes, choices, thoughts, actions, that not only hurt the heart of God, but the hearts of His created.

Freedom to leave those destructive patterns in the past and walk forward in grace.

Clarity is a fickle thing. Sometimes you long for it, beg for it, plead for it…wait for it.

And then it comes.

But the problem with clarity is that you can’t unsee what clarity reveals.

Once you see it, you have to respond.

There is no such thing as a lack of response. 

You are faced with the choice:

obedience or disobedience- cooperate with the Holy Spirit or cooperate with the enemy.

Neither is easy.

But only one gives life.

The one thing we can control is our choice of whom we will trust when life spins out of control. 

And it will.

It’s time to let go and trust that God is who He says He is- not just in everyone else’s life- but in yours, and in mine.

See. Know. Trust. Receive. Live.

God can’t bless who you pretend to be.

It’s time to face our ugly…and replace it with life giving grace.

So blend away, life.

Jesus is showing me how to enjoy the ride…even in the face of my ugly.

"And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart."

Ezekiel 36:26

"So let God work his will in you. Yell a loud no to the Devil and watch him scamper. Say a quiet yes to God and he’ll be there in no time. Quit dabbling in sin. Purify your inner life. Quit playing the field. Hit bottom, and cry your eyes out. The fun and games are over. Get serious, really serious. Get down on your knees before the Master; it’s the only way you’ll get on your feet."

James 4:7-10

Post or Tweet this:

"God can’t bless who you pretend to be.

It’s time to face our ugly, and replace it with life giving grace.”-@JuliePMac #SimpleTruth 

What are you holding on to?

What in life has you in the blender, dizzy from it all?

I would love to pray for you!

Comment below.

Time for New Perspectacles

Some days I just want to close my eyes.

Just close my eyes and escape back to the comfort of my bed, covers pulled overhead.

The view of my life seems safer there.

I can shout at circumstances to go away, without ever looking them in the eye.

I can even pretend they aren’t there.

But that doesn’t mean they go away…or that they get smaller or untangled.

Worst of all, it usually makes them bigger than ever in my mind.

My perspective has been whittled down to the sliver of light piercing into the spot of darkness I have chosen to lie down in.

Comfortably miserable in the familiar.

Maybe you have been there.

Maybe you are there.

Maybe you, like me, know what it’s like to live life from behind the covers in your life.

Maybe you, too, have had all the feelings about all the things.

Maybe you feel like you are losing the ability to truly see.

We are in need of new perspectacles.

God given perspectacles that open my eyes to the purpose, the plan, the power for the moments I am blindly stumbling through.

The funny thing about any glasses that correct my vision, is that they don’t just jump on my face. 

I have to pick them up, and put them on- day in and day out.

That’s why it isn’t enough to simply talk about a new perspective.

It feels elusive and slippery. 

It is something I cannot hold, so I rationalize it is something I cannot have.

You and I?

We have to look at what we are holding on to, feel it and acknowledge it in our hands and set it down. 

We have to take the time, make the effort to exchange our obstacles for perspectacles.

Obstacles of fear, worry, insecurity, pain, jealousy, bitterness- they all blind us to the truth.

This kind of skewed vision leads to a life dictated by circumstance rather than His Promises.

But God will replace your obstacles with perspectacles.

You have to put on your God given perspectacles, not just so can see the way, but so you can see the One.

These perspectacles don’t merely give you sight.
They focus the eyes of your heart on His hope, the way out of this dark you’re sitting in.

He doesn’t always remove those obstacles, but He constantly reminds you that HE remains.

That is the perspective that brings victory into the cover-over-my-head days.

No one can do the seeing for us.

We have to choose to open our eyes, allow our vision to be made new.

There is power in perspective.

Don’t waste another moment staring blindly at all that drains and paralyzes you.

Throw those covers back, friends!

Put on your God given perspectacles today.

“I ask-ask the God of our Master, Jesus Christ, the God of glory- to make you intelligent and discerning in knowing Him personally, your eyes focused and clear, so that you can see exactly what it is He is calling you to do, grasp the immensity of this glorious way of life he has for His followers, oh the utter extravagance of His work in us who trust him- endless energy, boundless strength!”

Ephesians 1:18-19 The Message

The Dark Days

"I don't even know where to start. Except from this emptiness I feel trying to suck me into it like a black hole. I really am trying to get out. But it pulls so intensely on me. Jealously, fear, regret, failure, despair, loneliness, anger... they scream so loudly that I cannot hear...I just want to run and hide. But I can't. I am supposed to be the one who is always ok. I am supposed to be the one who just sucks it up and deals with it...I'll eventually be ok right? Sure. And so no one notices this gaping hole in my heart and spirit that is gushing blood so rapidly that I am pale and weak with emptiness."

This is an excerpt from my journal.

I share it because I bet that, even if you don't journal, somewhere in your life there is a piece of paper with similar words and similar heart hurts written all over it.

I share it because, I bet that you not only read those words, but you felt them with me.

I share it because, I bet you've never openly shared the intimate thoughts of your "dark days" either.

I share it because the "dark days" like to stay in the dark. They breed in the dark. They thrive in that murky hidden mess of my mind and yours. 

All those things we know and have learned seem to seep out of our grasp when dark days descend.

Our grip on the reality of who Jesus is and who we are in Christ all of the sudden feel slippery and unsure.

And so we are tempted to take up residence there. 

Worn and drained from the suffocating darkness, it feels safer and easier to stake our tent, hunker down until it all just passes us by.

But the other side doesn't come to you...you have to journey to it. 

Sunsets and sunrises are beautiful...but there is a reason nobody ever takes a picture of the dark. 

It is an ugly place to see.

But oh my...

it can be a lovely place to hear: to hear the voice of your Savior.

The dark amplifies what we cannot see. 

So we must choose to listen to the voice that not only is calling us to the light, but IS the light.

Tuning our ear to His voice is determination to travel toward the dawn.

When the darkness wants to envelope you, remember Jesus wants to embrace you.

When the darkness wants to blind you, remember Jesus wants to bind your wounds.

When the darkness wants to silence you, remember Jesus wants to sanctify you.

When the darkness wants to isolate you, remember Jesus wants to invigorate you.

When the darkness wants to berate you, remember Jesus wants to beautify you.

When the darkness wants to frighten you, remember Jesus wants to free you.

When the darkness wants to confuse you, remember Jesus wants to comfort you.

When the darkness wants to incite you to anger, remember Jesus invites you to peace.

When the darkness wants to taunt you, remember Jesus wants to teach you.

When the darkness want to stun you, remember Jesus wants to strengthen you.

When the darkness wants to paralyze you, remember Jesus wants to promote you. 

When the darkness wants to stay, remember Jesus came to SAVE! 

The simple truth is, 

there is always a dawn, even to the darkest nights.

But just as there is sunrise, sunset will come. 

And when, not if, the dark descends, we have two choices:

Let the darkness chain you

or

Let Jesus change you.

I don't know about you, but I am not going to sit down in it.

I am not going to make this my permanent address.

I am walking through.

And if I must walk through it, I don't want to walk out the other side the same as I walked in! 

So how do we move forward from this place? 

Do the next thing.

Breathe. 

Praise. 

Give thanks. 

Dive into the Word.

Actively exchange truth for the lies.

Repeat.

And one day, when you open your eyes, you'll blink wildly at that glimmer on the horizon, and you'll see a sun coming up in your soul.

You may not even recognize yourself...but you will have become so intimately familiar with Jesus, The Lover of Your Soul, that you actually are thankful for the dark days...not because you loved them, but because the most amazing thing happened there: you fell further in love with Him. 

Don't allow your dark days to chain you.

Allow Jesus to change you.

"Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way."

James 1:2-4, The Message

"Show me the right path, O lord; point out the road for me to follow. Lead me by your truth and teach me, for you are the God who saves me. All day long I put my hope in you."

Psalms 25:4, 5 NLT

What to Wear

Changing out clothes. 

Let's just say me and "The Great Swap" have a love/hate relationship.

Yes, I'm thankful that I have clothes to swap out(for those of you reprimanding my shallowness in your mind).

But it's the changeover itself that I wish I could just snap my fingers and have completed. Done. Over with.

The sorting, the tossing, the decisions, the piles, the "oh my word, did I actually purchase and wear that" moments...bleh. 

I usually know it's time for "The Great Swap" when I find myself on the edge of or in the midst of a new season standing in my closet lamenting, "I don't have anything to wear!" 

And I dream about filling my closet with anything new and wonderful that I could find to fulfill that gaping hole in my wardrobe.

But we all know in reality, what I am really saying is that every outfit I've tried just doesn't work. 

It's not that I don't have clothes in my closet, I just haven't found the right clothes.

It's that "what to wear" moment that plagues us all.

And every female reading this knows how that affects not just your appearance but your whole mood and attitude! Can I get a witness?!? 

I face that question every day. And I answer it-sometimes better than others. Yikes. (Especially in the 90's- I mean I answered that question so horribly, so often.) 

I wouldn't dare randomly and blindly grab from my closet with just a mere hope that what ends up in hand works for my day and destination ahead.

And yet...I do it every day in the spirit.

My spirit. My heart. My true self. My life. The most important part of who I am...do I ever stop and contemplate the "what to wear" moment that faces me each morning for my spirit? 

In Luke 24:49 Jesus says,
"I am going to send you what my Father has promised; but stay in the city until you have been clothed with power from on high."

Over and over in scripture we are told to clothe ourselves with Christ Jesus and the character and power found therein: compassion, humility, strength, dignity...and the list goes on. 

So what am I allowing to clothe my life? 

Just as I choose to put on physical clothes each morning, I choose to clothe myself spiritually as well. 

Or even worse, I walk around spiritually naked, exposed, unprepared.

In this passage, Jesus makes a promise: a promise of power. 

Not a power that we can muster on our own, but a power from on high- a supernatural, heavenly power. 

A never-failing, ever present, perfectly portioned power.

But instead of picking up this gorgeous garment that is exactly what I need, I stand in the closet of my mess and pilfer through the ratty torn and tattered pieces and convince myself they I will do. 

They are comfortable. And they don't draw any attention. 

I can just blend in and auto pilot my way through life as usual.

That is the effect of the absence of Holy Spirit clothed power, after all.

So here is the real question:

Why clothe my life with the enemy's reject hand me downs when in reality I am a daughter of the One true King?!?

I have full access to His unlimited power in every area of my life.

Every. Stinkin. One.

Really.

So will I reach for it? 

Will I choose to wear it?

Or will I leave it hanging there in the closet amidst everything else I've tried that doesn't work, doesn't fulfill...and go through my day whining on the inside that all too familiar, 

"I don't have anything to wear!" ? 

You may be like me, standing on the edge of a new season- or even smack dab in the middle of it- wondering what to wear. 

Feeling like nothing works. It's affecting your mood, your attitude, every atmosphere you enter.

It's time for the The Great Swap.

I won't lie, friend. It isn't easy.

There is work involved.

And some moments, it may seem like that pile never ends.

But when you pick up the Holy Spirit's power, you'll find yourself perfectly clothed for the season you are in.

Come rain or shine or heat or cold of life, you will be prepared to face it with strength and joy.

When you outfit from Victory, you no longer have to worry about trying to attain it- it's woven into very the fabric of who you are. 

Changes and choices are never easy.

Clothe yourself with power.

Jesus made a way for you to wear the ultimate power suit. 

Don't settle for rags. He died to give you riches.

What will you clothe yourself with today? 

I choose Jesus. Praying you will, too. 

Scandalous

Sometimes is is easier to pretend than to be real.
It's easier for me to pretend that I am ok.
To pretend I am not racked with
hurt
jealousy
fear
bitterness
confusion
insufficiencies
doubt
failure
frustration
and the list goes on...

Because doesn't fake live longer?
I mean, like,  forever?
Doesn't the artificial end up superior in the race for longevity?
It is plastic and perfect, streamlined and efficient.

From Barbie in the dream house to the nails on my fingertips to the fruit in the coffee table bowl.

And there are days I want that.
All. of. That.

I want the plastic existence.
I want to pretend.
I put forward the artificial.
Because it feels like perfection.
It feels like it.

Plastic doesn't yell at her kids and escape by letting them linger on their devices all day.
Mrs. Pretender doesn't ever cry herself to sleep, isn't consumed by fear.
Artificial doesn't get angry at the world and circumstances.
Perfection.
*eye roll*

But the fruit in the bowl?
I notice it's dusty.
Untouched. Unused.
A pre-relic with no purpose.

Barbie?
Someone has to create her life for her.
She doesn't even have the power to move, to breathe.
She cannot reproduce life...she cannot even live it.

And these french tips?
They can't grow. They just cover up the real thing.

So what's missing?
Life. Real life.
The plastic, the perfect, is only offering us a deceptive invitation to imitation.

And so we RSVP because the pretending and the plastic seems to hurt so much less...at least in public, anyway.

The artificial doesn't have to feel all that fear and pain and hurt...right?
But it also never has the opportunity to heal...
to love,
to grow,
to reproduce the beauty that makes this world worth waking up to,
to find purpose and to go hard and fast in the direction of her dreams.

It's true: fake may last longer. But it doesn't actually live.

So today, I am ripping up piled high stationery on the desk of my life.
All those invitations that beckon me to dress up and put on my best appearance, plastic performance.
All those masquerade balls that want me to exist in artificial anonymity so that others aren't inconvenienced by my imperfections- my living.
I. am. shredding. them. ALL.

Because we all have one ultimate choice to make:
imitate life
or
live it.

Me? I choose Grace. Scandalous Grace.
It is the only way I will ever truly live.

What do you choose?

John 1:16

"For from His fullness we have all received grace upon grace."

John 10:10

"The thief comes only to steal kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly."

Listen and worship to these words of worship by Hillsong United

#GraceLife
#SimpleTruth

The Day In-Between

The time in between is the hardest. Death has had it's day. 

Darkness has seemingly overcome. 

And so we wait. 

We wait for the pin prick of dawn's light to pierce the overwhelming black that has tried to consume our hope.

We wait for joy to jump over our sadness.

We wait for life to bloom where death feels so firmly planted. 

This day that doesn't have a name because we can't- and they couldn't-see with their eyes what God was doing, the power He has already released for the victory. 

So we trudge through the in-between.

We wonder where God is, as if He's showing up late. 

Didn't Mary and Martha think the same thing? 

But Lazarus walked out of that grave. 

The victory came.

And another Mary walked early that third morning to try to cover up the stench of death that filled the nostrils of her spirit and mind- expecting to still find death where she had prayed for life.

They had forgotten hope.

They had welcomed despair and ushered hope right out of the waiting room. 

Because the in-between convinces you it is a destination, when in reality, it is only a path. 

Morning will come. 

And when it does, darkness has no say...it MUST flee. 

There is no competition. 

Light. Always. Wins.

And in that moment, the in-between is outed as the the bridge from here to there, the steps on the journey, a room to pass through- a place to be thankful for but never where you set up camp. 

You keep moving forward. 

And morning WILL come.

Wise. Strong. Courageous. Revealing. Empowering. 

Merciful.

...is the morning.

Because ***spoiler alert ***

He Lives. 

You Know a Person with an Eating Disorder

It may not be you, but it is more than likely a struggle of someone you know. Hear their voice...

I am your daughter. I am your sister. 

I am your son. I am your brother. 

I am your best friend, girl friend, boy friend, classmate. 

I am the skinny girl. 

I am the obese guy. 

I am the one who looks like they have it all together.

I am the cheerleader, the singer, the dancer, the band nerd, the jock, the class president, the valedictorian. 

I am the sorority girl, fraternity guy.

I am the Bible study leader, the barista, the roommate, the random date, the store clerk. 

I am the teacher, the gym buddy, the soccer mom, the new mom, the working and stay at home parent, the CEO.

I am a person with an eating disorder.

I am scared and deceived and desperate...and you may never know it. 

I am looking at my life spiral out of control, and I feel helpless.

I am crying out for help, but in this nightmare, no words form on my lips, no sounds escape from my mouth.

I am silenced by fear.

I am paralyzed by impending judgement.

I am suffocated by misunderstanding.

I am quietly marching to the rhythm of deception and secret and appearances.

I am dying every day because I am blind and deaf to truth and identity.

I am controlling the only thing I feel like I can control.

I am chasing perfection that can never be caught.

I am harder on myself than you could ever be.

I am exhausted and alone.

I am a person with an eating disorder. 

But helping me? 

Helping me is only a breath away. It begins when you break through the deafening silence, shatter the glass walls I've built. 

Do you see me?

Do you know me?

Please. Help. Me.

It's as easy as ABC...

Be AWARE of my actions and things I may be trying to hide.

Be BOLD to reach out to me if you suspect I am trapped in this vicious, self-destructing disorder. 

Be COMMITTED to holding me accountable. 

Be DETERMINED I seek professional help. 

Be ENCOURAGING every step of the way- even when you do not understand what I say, what I think, or what I do.

Be FAITHFUL to celebrate my small goals met. It will result in my major victories. 

Be GRACE. Because I never show any to myself. I need someone to show me what it looks like to stand up after a fall. 

Be HOPE. I am in the deepest dark and I need to be reminded that the light still exists. 

Be INSPIRING, directing conversations and focus to things that carry eternal, not earthly weight.

Be JOYFUL. I am good at feigning happiness...but joy escapes me.

Be KNOWLEDGABLE about the disease, it's signs and symptoms.

Be LOOKING for the masked symptoms I am working so hard to disguise. 

Be MINDFUL of your words in relation to body image and beauty. I catalogue them all.

Be NOISY when it comes to calling out the unhealthy and unrealistic portrayals of beauty all around.

Be OPEN to having hard conversations with me. 

Be PATIENT. Remind me-and you-that my disorder didn't develop in a day, and it will not be healed in one. 

Be QUIET and let me speak my fears, struggles, and temptations without judgement.

Be RESISTANT to the temptation to assume that I simply have an issue with food or portion control.

Be SAFE by keeping all diet products and paraphernalia out of my reach while I am on the road to recovery. 

Be TOUGH when I want to escape. Remind me that it's about what I am running toward instead of what I am running from. 

Be UNWILLING for me to accept our culture's ideals. 

Be VALIANT. Don't assume someone else will come to my rescue.

Be WICKED in my eyes: TRASH THE SCALE! 

Be eXPECTING me to deceive you, especially in the beginning.

Be YOU. Don't share your perfections with me. Tell me how you overcame YOUR struggles.

Be a ZOMBIE killer! Help me lay down the stench of death and 

pick up LIFE! 

I am a person with an eating disorder...

...and by reading this, and sharing this truth...

you may have just saved my life. 

*************************************

Having struggled with an eating disorder for over 4 years in my late teens and early 20s, and it's ever lingering after effects and struggles even today, it's time to demystify these disorders and recognize them for the serious issue they are. 

They are hidden and hideous.

They are deceptive and devastating to mental and physical health. 

They are everywhere. 

Culture glamorizes, laughs, and scoffs at these disorders.

But they are real.

And it isn't just the teenagers, the models, the stereotypical. 

I want to give a voice to all of the those you would look at and say, "I had no idea".

I want to empower the loved ones, the concerned ones, who don't know how to go any further than the phrase, "I had no idea."

Hear their voices. 

Educate.

Inform.

Be bold.

Take action.

Rescue.

Growing in Grace and Living Simple Truth,
~Julie

Find more information on this subject, check out National Eating Disorder Awareness 

New Places. Old Baggage. Big God.

Renewal.
Transformation.
Words I am clinging to- hoping in- as I run hard after the Lord today.
I am deep in battle in the deep places.
In my mind.
Regret looms over me.
Fear of being stuck terrifies me.
Failure taunts me.
And my Enemy knows all too well every play to keep me preoccupied with things...things that are... true, yes.
But my identity? No.
No.
Again...NO!

They may be places I have been, things I have done. Things I should have done. Things I shouldn't have done.
But none of that defines me.
None of that is bigger than the ocean of God's all sufficient, redeeming Grace.
None. of. it.

It is excess baggage that I have to leave behind.

So what am I doing?
I am saying over and over what my spirit knows is TRUE, but my head doesn't want to so easily believe.
I'm throwing out lies(what feels like every second) and clumsily clamoring after, digging for TRUTH with which to replace it.
Readjusting my feet on the Rock.
He hasn't moved. And He won't.
I've got to stop being enticed to jump off, jump over into dangerous places my easily-influenced-by-the-enemy-flesh-focused-mind wants to take me.

I have to choose to revisit only this:
While I was an enemy, Christ so wanted a now and eternal relationship with me that He took my life condemning burden as His own and dealt with that debt with finality and completion.

Because when I revisit that truth...that my God knows ALL the junk, all the filth of who I was and who I am and even who I will be...and loves me still...yes, when I revisit this, what else matters?

If the very worst I can imagine was true, is true or comes true?
It still doesn't change God's perfect love for me.
Still. doesn't. change. it.

So I take one step forward and then the next.
Not because of my ability, my inability, my successes, my failures, my position, their approval, my significance, my insignificance, my gains, my losses, the cheers, the jeers, the accolades, the accusations, the ideals, the imaginations...no.

I breathe deep His grace.
I lock onto His gaze.
And I move forward in the rhythm of His heartbeat...His love.

And somewhere along the way, I will find this mind renewed, transformed.
God glory seeping through these cracks and brokenness called my life.

Feelings cannot drive a life, only threaten to wreck it.
Faith is what takes me forward, delivers me to the anointed places my feet long to walk.
Eyes, mind, heart, emotions, life...on Him.
He has won this war already.
And I choose to Be Still and Know it.

I hope you will, too.

~Julie