Saturday, September 10, 2011
9/11 Remembering What I Felt...
I usually don't remember a lot about how I felt on any particular day.
Maybe what I experienced, but rarely the specifics of what I felt.
But then, something happens that sears a feeling into your core, into your mind, into your memory....and thats what happened on September 11, 2001.
I have always remembered what happened that day, what I was doing...but I don't aways let or allow myself remember what I felt...to go to that tender place in my memories.
This year, as I was doing a unit study about the events of that day in our Homeschool, I thought about getting out my journal from that time to see if it might help convey my heart during that time to my children.
I had never re-read what I wrote.
But when I did, it brought back not just memories, but deep seated feelings that had flooded over me that September 10 years ago, as a 24 year old wife, mother of 2 (at the time), seeking my place and way in the world and His Kingdom...
What follows is that journal entry from Friday, September 14, 2011...my first after the attacks:
"I have so much sadness inside of me...I just don't know how to let it out.
I feel at times as though I could cry for days, other times I just want to scream, others times I could do it all at once.
Our nation has been attacked...but more than that, our spirits have taken a blow.
I keep taking deep breaths to try to get it all out, and it just can't reach deep enough.
This is affecting me in a way I just cannot explain.
And I know that it has only just begun!
God show me, reveal to me what it is that You want me to know, what it is You want me to do!
How do You want me to change?
How do You what me to react?
Right now I am scared.
I am sad.
I am mad.
I am overwhelmed.
I am so many things that I can't put into words.
But I feel them.
I definitely feel them.
I am drawn to the stories and the pictures. I can't pull myself away.
I sing constantly in my mind. I feel like it's the only way to push through...I feel like I can get it out that way.
The words that flow from my mouth comfort my heart and my mind.
Thank you Lord for song, for words that can be lifted to You in praise, in longing, in thanksgiving.
You restore me through the gift you've bestowed on me.
How precious, how priceless.
Your love is so great!
I know Your arms are all around me.
You call me to Your lap to sit for a while and I settle in the comfort of Your never-ending, ever reaching, constant and healing love.
Thank you Jesus for holding me for more than just a little while.
Thank you for understanding that it feels so hard to smile.
The emptiness that seems to grow is something that only you can touch...with You only will it fade.
I praise You Lord for Your comfort.
Thank You for healing and caring about my fears.
Jesus, please help me to hold You through them, to know that You are greater and stronger than anything I could ever encounter.
God, please show me- clearly and surely- what You want FROM me, what You want FOR me!
Speak to me loudly and clearly, Jesus!
I want to know You more!
Use me Jesus!
So on this tenth anniversary, I will remember.
I will remember what happened that day...what I felt that day...what others may have felt and experienced...
I will remember what the Lord planted in my spirit that day and I will nurture it further so that the life and fruit He desired to see in me as a result of it all will be evident...so it will bring Him glory...so it will make Him obvious!
I flipped back a page and saw the last pre-9/11 journal entry:
"Be open! Sometimes God doesn't change your circumstances; He changes you!!"
Choose to remember how you felt that crisp blue-skied day of Septmeber 11, 2001... and let it fuel your passion to press into the Lord and go forward with a battle cry to further His Kingdom in the face of whatever may be on your horizon!
And I will never take for granted the opportunity to do so.
Yes, I will remember.
Spread His Word, Tweet/Post this:
#IWillRemember #IWillMakeGodObvious #911