ok... deep breath.
I have ulcerative colitis, which put me in the hospital almost exactly a year ago, but I have been fairly "flare up" free since then. Over the past few days however I have been dealing with the pain again. Fun.
As my mama reminded me this morning, it's true I have a tendency to pull away when I am experienceing any type of pain. I kind of go inside myself. I mean, it is MY pain, so I think I should be the one to have to deal with it- not everybody else. And it is easier for me to deal with it without everybody watching, you know?
I just don't like that kind of attention- the pity, I suppose. I guess part of me want others to simply acknowledge that they understand I am in pain, but I then have a hard time allowing anyone to help me through it.
When I was a little girl I would often keep my boo-boos to myself. I would go hide, or go to my mom in secret about whatever had happened.
As Mama reminded me today, "When you hurt, you hide."
And sometimes I hide right out in the open.
This one time in particular, when I was in the second grade(7 years old), I hurt my finger(I can't remember exactly what I did, but it was definitely finger related).
My mama did the mama thing and expressed her sympathy for my boo-boo, and knowing how I felt about her overreacting to my pain, went about things as if nothing had happened.
But this time, apparently, I needed more.
Thinking back to the situation, Mama said, "That time you finally decided you'd had enough of the pain, but you didn't know how to tell me."
I wanted to come out of hiding but wasn't sure how to do it.
So, I wrote her a letter.
She kept the letter...
Outside of the envelope(yes, I put it in an envelope):
Don't let anyone else see this.
My finger has been hurting all day. I wish you would take me to the doctor.
It hurts badly.
Sometimes you know I'm kidding, but this time I'm not.
I mean it. When I touch it, it hurts.
Please!!!!!!!!!!(big fat colored in exclamation points)
Love, Julie P.
(good thing I put the "P", right? or she might've gotten me confused with that other Julie hangin' around! Knowing my mama, anything is possible, though...)
Don't say anything to me about this unless you take me.
I remember writing that letter.
I remember distinctly my heart beating fast when I left it for Mama to find it.
I remember thinking that I wasn't sure what to say the next time I saw her, knowing she had read it...
...but I don't ever remember wondering if she would act on my behalf.
I knew she would do what was best for me- doctor or no doctor-whatever needed to be done to comfort me in my pain, to bring healing to the hurt, I knew she would do that...even if I didn't know exactly what that would look like or mean for me.
I just trusted.
That is who she was.
That is who she is.
That is who my Jesus is.
But I had to go to her. She knew my pain, she knew I was hurting.
But I had to ALLOW her to help me.
I had to willingly receive what she had to give...
...even if it meant me being a little uncomfortable.
...even if I did not understand the process.
I remember the relief when she came to me and said, "Julie, let's take a look at your finger. I don't think I saw it closely enough earlier..."
She never brought shame to the situation for my hiding, she never laughed at my fear of admitting I couldn't do it on my own.
She simply spoke to my need.
And that is what Jesus wants to do...speak to my need...to your need.
But we have to stop hiding right out in the open.
Trusting Him is not being weak, it is knowing where to find the purest strength.
"Therefore, do not lose heart.
Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day."
2 Corinthians 4:16
Your Heavenly Father can bring victory over the source of your pain, even in the middle of the hurt...if we stop hiding.
It's time to cry out "PLEASE!!!!!"- big fat exclamation marks and all!
Instead of drawing into myself, I need to draw near to Him...
...the Ultimate Boo-boo Kisser.
"But as for me, I watch in hope for the Lord.
I wait for God my Savior;
My God will hear me."
Don't say anything to me about this..........................................................just kidding!
Really. I'm over that......ok, ok........well mostly, anyway. ;)